Goodnight Daddy

As a little girl, I always enjoyed the evenings, because my dad and I had a goodnight ritual.  Every night after brushing my teeth, my dad would come to my room to tuck me in.  I’d climb into my captain’s loft-style bed, and my dad would tuck the sheets under me tightly, wrapping me up like a burrito.  Most of the time I’d giggle and squirm in attempts to wiggle myself loose, and my dad, of course, would have to repeat the tucking.  He’d always feign annoyance, but I always knew that he, too, was grateful for these few extra seconds of time together.

But the most memorable part of our goodnight ritual was when he’d lift my head, and fan my long hair out upon my pillow.  The coolness of the pillow against the warmth of my skin was always such comforting surprise.  It was my dad’s trademark touch, like icing on a cake or the cherry on top.

Shortly thereafter, he’d kiss me on the forehead, and turn off the light.  From my bedroom, he’d make his way to the den, a room adjacent to mine.  Most of the time, the light from the den would shine into the hallway, and the shadows and noise would keep me entertained on the evenings when I wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep.  I found much comfort in hearing the low strumming of my dad’s guitar or the sounds of Johnny Carson emanating from the t.v. 

This evening ritual stopped sometime before middle school, I’m sure.  By that time I’m certain I was a self-obsessed teenager who, like most kids, was trying to shed herself of her parents.  These years were spent gabbing on the phone with friends, and the distance between my parents and I widened.  Wasn’t that true for most teenagers?  On most nights quick hugs and obligatory kisses were given before retiring for the night.

But still.  No matter how old I got, I always enjoyed listening to my dad’s music spilling into my room at night.  His music was like an evening serenade, smooth and comforting.  Years passed.  College life, dorm life, and finally married life.  And still yet.  Still when the evenings rolled around, I found myself yearning for my dad’s evening serenade.  And oftentimes I longed for our old evening ritual.

One week ago I watched as my dad slipped away.  I held his hand while he passed, and for one last time, we relived our evening ritual.  In his last moments, I tucked the pillow softly under his head, smoothed his hair down, and kissed him on the forehead before he fell into his final slumber. 

Comments

[kat]

So sorry to hear about your loss, Leslie. Losing someone is never easy, but I'm so glad that you were able to be there for him. It's the most any of us can wish for.

[amanda]

Leslie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. I wish you much peace and comfort as you heal. These are some beautiful words you've written about him. xoxo.

[crazycatladyMel]

Leslie:
I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad left me just 3 months ago and it's still not quite real. We have good memories to hold onto though, yes? I'm glad you were with him.

[Donna]

Big hugs to you and your family. I'm so sorry!

[jesser]

Oh my. This is beautiful. I'm all teary-eyed. So sorry for your loss, but it seems you have no regrets, just wonderful memories.

[Lilie]

So sorry to hear of the passing of your father. Your writing is beautiful and brought me tears. With time it will get easier.

[Kristy]

How lovely that you got to say goodnight but so sad that you had to.xxx

[hannah]

oh leslie, i am so glad you could repeat such a loving ritual with your dad. hugs and prayers my friend.

[sally]

Big hugs to you Leslie. What beautiful memories of your father that you will hold on forever. I'm so grateful you were there to tuck him in one last time. Thinking of you + your family.

[moki]

what a lovely post! So sorry

[roxy]

This is a beautiful remembrance. I'll keep you close in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love.

[Giao]

Leslie, I am so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute to your dad. I'm crying with you. You've been in my thoughts for the past few weeks. Hugs to you, sweetie.

[Yvonne]

This is such a sad news! I know how you feel and sometimes I still wish my dad could read to me at night and tuck me in, it never goes away and that's the beauty of being a good parent! I wish you and yours lots of love.

[Debbie]

Leslie, that was so incredibly beautiful. Let those wonderful memories be your strength. I'm sure your father was very proud of you. My thoughts are with you. xxx

[London Southern Belle]

Leslie, this is a beautiful peice of writing. I shall think of you during this time. Sending lots of love to you all the way from England.

amanda x

[Melissa]

Leslie, I won't claim to know what you're feeling right now, but know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[myra]

Leslie, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful tribute to your Dad.

[Ali]

So, so sorry for your loss. But what wonderful memories of your father.

[jenny]

leslie, i wish i could give you a big hug...you couldn't have written a more beautiful passage about him. xoxo

[Amanda]

My deepest condolences to you. I hope you're doing ok. What a beautiful remembrance of your father, of the long-lasting effects that one person's small actions can produce on another.

[Elaine]

Dear Leslie,
My deepest sympathies to you and your family. Such beautiful memories. I hope you find comfort in them now and always.

[Chara Michele]

So sorry for your loss... Very beautiful memories of your father though.

[joy]

I'm so sorry leslie!!! I love your words. I'm glad you got to be with him.

[geek+nerd]

I'm so sorry for your loss! Your post is such a lovely tribute - it's obvious that you had a special relationship, how fortunate that you could be with him in his last moments.

[Leslie]

What a sweet remembrance! I'm sorry for your loss.

[marzi]

leslie - again, i'm so sorry for the passing of your father. i also wanted to make sure that you received my e-mail since we were having issues earlier. i don't want you to think that i ignored such an important message. you remain in our thoughts and prayers. - lori

[claudia]

Dear Leslie, I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing. A blessing, indeed, to have such a beautiful and loving father and the gift of such wonderful memories! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Te mando un gran abrazo y mucho amor.

[shokufeh]

I'm so sorry. Your father and you and the rest of your family are in my prayers.
It's nice that you had a bit of time to prepare yourself for his passing, and that you are able to see the circle of your actions. But I'm sure you've cried many more tears than I'm crying for you now.

[shiz]

I am sooo sorry to hear about your loss, your post made me cry. So beautifully written.

[yvett]

Aww, Leslie. I'm in tears here reading the sad news but lovely post. I am so sorry for your loss. I have to say, though that you are lucky to have such great memories.

Lo siento, Leslie. De todo corazon.

[joyce]

my thoughts are with you...so sorry for your loss.

[jes]

lovely words to your Dad Les.

I still think Bob and your Dad are toasting us, wishing we wouldn't worry......

love 'ya. xoxoxox

[Kathleen]

What a beautiful memory and wonderfully written, I'm crying with you too. My hearts been totally panging with this sad news. I've been thinking of you.

[Ez]

Oh Leslie... there are just no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. What a wonderful man he must have been. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and deeply personal memory with us all. My thoughts are will you and your family during this painful time.

xox
ez

[dawn]

Leslie, What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man. Your dad was one of a kind. I'm so sorry for your loss & am sending much love your way.

[mo]

What a wonderful thoughtful reminder that it is the little sweet moments we take in a day to show someone how we love them. I am so sorry for your loss. What a proud Dad he must have been to have a daughter who could speak so sweetly about him.

[Juddie]

Leslie,
Your description of your father and the huge implications of such small and gentle actions is very touching. I wish you every happiness in remembering such moments and treasuring the sweeter side of life....

[Ani]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Aylin]

Your words brought tears to my eyes. In Turkish we say, 'basin sagolsun' - which means, I recognize your loss and grieve with you.

[christine]

I'm sorry for your loss but appreciate the beautiful words you wrote about your father. My thoughts are with you and your family. xo

[Moonfairy]

I`m so sorry for your loss.
I got tears in my eyes from your beautiful story, what a great memory to have.
Many warm thoughts from Norway.

[Marilyn]

Oh, Leslie, I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful, loving tribute to your Dad.

[erika]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Your words flowed beautifully and there's no way your dad could not have known how much you love him.

Hugs. Many many hugs.

[Nanette]

Leslie, I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. That was a very touching tribute to him and I'm thankful that you were there to share those last moments withhim. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

[Alicia A.]

This is just beautiful.

[Belinda Lee]

What a beautiful goodbye. So sorry for your loss Leslie.

[mipmup]

these visceral, beautiful memories will hold you up during this difficult time. my thoughts are with you.

[Rachel]

He looks so dashing and handsome in those pictures, and your tribute was so moving and sweet. I'm thinking of all of you.

[jen]

Leslie -
I didn't even know you had a blog and I was fishing around on flickr and found this. I am so sorry about your lost...then I saw the letter you had written about him when you were 7 or 8. Gosh my heart goes out to you and your family. Hopefully your heart is healing.
xo - Jen

[Anne Marie]

What a strong post and what a beautiful memory. I am so sorry for your loss.

[adeirra]

leslie, this is the first time i read your blog and i'm terribly sorry for your lost.
me myself have a very close relation to with my dad. you wonderful writing reminds me how i should cherish my moments with my dad before it's too late to do it... same thing with my mom.
thanks, friend. and i'm sorry again... hope you're ok

[Jeanne]

I am very sorry for your loss.
We lost my beloved Mother last summer and I know all too well the pain and loss and feeling so fragile without those you love so dearly.
Blessings.
Very touching post!

[ellia]

i know this is super late... but i am truly sorry for your loss... it is good to hear of your closeness with him and sweet memories... i wish you and your family well

[cristina - string*THEORY]

i lovely homage to your dad and the lovely memories he made for you as a little girl growing up. my condolenscence to you while you grieve.

[Kathy]

Oh my gosh, now I'm crying big crocodile tears, and this is my first time visiting your blog. Big warm hugs coming to you from another cyber blogger mom.

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[Toni]

So touching. That last paragraph gripped me. I'm so sorry for you. Hoping your heart heals quickly.

[Corinna]

What a lovely tribute to your father.

So pleased for you both that you were able to give him ne last kiss goodnite.

It's wonderful that you have these precious memories - hold on to them dearly & they will be with you forever.

My thoughts are with you.

[Melissa!]

Absolutely beautiful.
Thank you for such a sweet post. What a loving memory to have.
A few years ago my Grandmother passed away. She moved in with my family when my Grandfather passed away when I was 8 yrs old so was a part of our world on a daily basis, for even my children since we live in the same town. All of us were together when Grandma passed away - my Mom, being an only child - was overwhelmed with loss...I turned to my Mom and thought, "How beautiful, my Grandmother saw her daughter's first breath and my Mom saw her Mother's last". I held my Grandmother's beautiful hands that evening then I went to hold my Mother's...in my heart that will remain.

I hold the image of you & your Father in my heart - may your heart be warm with your memories.

[jill]

Oh Leslie... I'm so sorry, that I missed this post! I'm catching up with all my favs and I feel horrible for you loss.

You've written a lovely note about your dad here and the warmth and love is just pouring out. I'm so sorry for you loss!

May he rest in peace...

[Sarah]

I can't believe I just NOW found your blog. Well, of course, this is one of the first posts of yours I've read (so sorry to hear about your father-- the holiday must have been hard).

Anywho, I don't even know you, and I'm bawling like a crazy person over here in Michigan after reading this post.

xo and thank you for sharing.