Okay, so I have to say that returning to my real job wasn't all that bad afterall. My first day, Tuesday, was pretty much dedicated to cleaning off my desk (oh it felt good to chuck all my old projects!) and organize my computer files. Oh, and of course I spent a good portion of the day in the "honeymoon phase . . . " in which everything was rainbows + lollipop good.
Most of my co-workers were happy to see me, and after a couple of hours, I started answering people's questions with my standard rote answers. "Oh the kids are great. . . " or "She's almost seven months now. . . " or "Yes, I'm thrilled to be back here." Some co-workers acted just as if I had never left, making me feel as if I were in some H.G. Wells book or something. Hello timewarp! Case in point: a co-worker who is kinda, um, how shall I describe her. . . uh, kinda dingbat-ty (no, no, I'm not referring to Birdie. Do y'all remember her?). Imagine someone who doesn't hesitate to spew her deepest, darkest secrets over lunch. . .and then cries three months later because God forbid EVERYONE knows her secrets and Jesus how on earth did they find out? For the sake of this post, let's refer to her as Miss Loopy.
Anyway, there I was at my desk having worked an entire 45 minutes, and just as I was ducking down to file away some paper, my office door bursts open, startling the beejeezus out of me. And there's Miss Loopy. (Now remember, I haven't seen her or spoken to her for EIGHT MONTHS). And there she is, her loopiness on high, and she's rushing into my office at full speed. In fact, as she's bursting into the office, she's conversing with someone (no one?), and also happens to be mid-sentence.
Miss Loopy: "---and then on Christmas Eve I get a call, and it's my ex in the hospital."
Me: (excited to see a new face): "Oh hi, Loopy!"
Miss Loopy: "Can you believe the nerve? He went and had a stroke, and then called me. . . "
Me: (surveying the office to see if anyone else was perhaps in mid-convo with her. . and nope, it's just me and The Loop.)
Miss Loopy: ". . . it's like he's on his deathbead or something. . . but what could I do? Huh? I mean, after all of this time I'm NOT getting any of his pension since all of that illegal stuff back in the 90s. . . and besides SHE was there. You know. THE OTHER WOMAN."
The monologue continued like this for about 15 minutes, before Miss Loopy decided to end the conversation by leaving my office. Midsentence, of course. That wacky woman that! And folks, I'm sorry to say that the Birdie stories will be no more. Birdie has moved onto a new place of work. Rest assured, though, that there will be plenty stories of The Loop. . . oh how the archives are deep!
******
Onto more intriguing bits of news. Did you know that the other day I had a booger on my shirt? And no, it wasn't mine thank you very much. The green ball of sticky slime belonged to one of my loving, charming children, and whichever one decided to bestow this phlegmy wad of love onto my shoulder is so going to get it some day.
Before the M.o.B.R. (Moment of Booger Recognition), I was feeling pretty damn good. I was up, the kids were dressed, I was dressed. Heck! I even flatironed my hair for the day! Man, the day was starting off so well. In hindsight, the morning was pretty hectic, requiring me to hug or coddle each one of the little tykes at varying points of the morning. You know those early morning moments when sibling 1 yells, "Go away!" to sibling 2, and sibling 2 feels crushed because sibling 1 is being mean. And the morning becomes filled with yelps of "Mama tell him/her to stop looking at me!!!!" or "Allie's using my cup!" or "Mama! Henry ate the last packet of oatmeal!" You know, that kinda stuff.
Anyway, so what I'm saying is that the booger culprit could have been any one of my three lovelies.
Anyway, flashforward a couple of hours, and I'm out and about with the kids in a PUBLIC PLACE (Michael's to be exact). Remember now, PUBLIC PLACE = I SEE PEOPLE AND PEOPLE SEE ME. We're strutting around. Things are great, and it's my day off to be with the kids. We're strolling down an aisle in the shop, and a woman walking towards us stops and admires my brood of chickadees. As she's looking at me, I'm thinking to myself. . . Yes, not only am I decently dressed. . . I flatironed my hair today too.
Her eyes linger a bit on my shoulder, she takes lets out a breath of hesitation, and then smiles and moves on down the aisle. I continue down the aisle in the opposite direction and then the moment occurs. You know, THE MOMENT. The M.o.B.R.!! My fingers somehow land in the slimey ball of green boogery mess, and as I pull my hand away, the booger stretches and snaps off of my sweater and onto my index finger. I try to flick it off, but to no avail. My fingers are now tangled and stuck in a CAT'S CRADLE OF GREEN SNOT. And it ain't pretty.
The kids start getting whiney. Someone mentions something about having to go pee pee. And damnit I have a booger stuck to my hand. Another lady starts heading my way now, and I start panicking. Wouldn't you? Eventually the booger flicks off and lands somewhere between the rows of rubber cement and the Plaster of Paris. And like the proper lady that I am, I leave it there. Shhh, don't tell.
Hours later, when I'm at home, and the kids are down for a nap, I sit on the couch and I laugh to myself. I laugh hard like a lunatic. When Hank comes home, I tell him all about my day, and he laughs too. When the kids get older, I can't wait to tell them the booger story. Heck! I can't wait to tell them all the stories: the story of Henry's candy cane that got stuck in Mama's hair. . . or the story of Alison's dried barf on my shoulder. . . these are the war stories of my life as a mama. May I wear them all like badges of honor.
Office characters...don't you just LOVE them?
Posted by: violetismycolor | January 08, 2006 at 09:52 PM
Ah, but will you tell them about the Christmas (this Christmas) when you hid the good cookies and told them that they were all gone, leaving only the bad cookies for them? Maybe I'll tell that one...
Posted by: Hank | January 08, 2006 at 10:01 PM
Ah, see if that were one of my kids, they would have been lamenting the loss of a perfectly good SNACK. Any way you slice it, bugurs are gross!
Posted by: mo | January 08, 2006 at 10:28 PM
It wouldn't be right not to have some form of bodily fluid on your clothes when you have kids. I think i managed to wear a fresh top for a record 30 minutes the other day before it was puked on.
Posted by: Nichola | January 09, 2006 at 12:33 AM
too funny. and familiar. I thought my two-year-old was hugging and snuggling me the other day when I was washing some dishes. My husband came home and walked up behind me saying "how come you have snot all over your butt?" So what I thought was love was actually him using me as the human napkin. good thing we love 'em....
Posted by: jenn | January 09, 2006 at 03:22 AM
Ha! Somehow this is all a little too familiar - the office personalities and the boogers! I'm glad you're able to laugh about it all so quickly! Today I'm wearing the shirt that Brynne stained the very first time I wore it - she had just eaten toast with jam, and then as I rocked her to sleep for her nap, she drooled sticky, bright red rasberry jam drool on my shoulder. I have the lovely stains to remind me!
Posted by: kelly | January 09, 2006 at 10:02 AM
I can't wait to hear more Miss Loopy stories. And the booger story, so classic! I've been known to do some booger-fliggin' in dire circumstances too.
Posted by: Sally | January 09, 2006 at 10:51 AM
Glad going back to work was easier than you thought it would be.
And ewwwww. I loved the booger story, esp. the part about the woman in the store. It's amazing how what would have been completely gross pre-kids is suddenly not such a big deal. That's something I didn't know about parenting beforehand, that I would get so used to touching my child's bodily fluids.
Posted by: lesbonstemps | January 09, 2006 at 11:33 AM
LOL ew! :)
Posted by: joleen | January 09, 2006 at 12:37 PM
You fool! Hank put that booger there. You were totally punk'd.
Posted by: justJENN | January 09, 2006 at 02:06 PM
aaaaacckkk!! I'll never be able to pass by the rubber cement/plaster of paris aisle again without thinking of you and green boogers! :o)
Posted by: debbie | January 09, 2006 at 04:24 PM
I'm laughing so hard!! Yes, you definitely have to share The Booger story with the kids someday.
Posted by: Dawn | January 10, 2006 at 06:13 AM
love it! award for best mama badge ever. im declaring it right here and now! glad your return to work has been tempered by loonies. hopefully they will make the time fly so that before you know it, you are back home with hank and your lovelies!
Posted by: hannah | January 10, 2006 at 09:39 AM
I love a laugh out loud story! Enjoy those boogers, before you know it they will be in college!
Posted by: Autum | January 10, 2006 at 10:29 AM
Wear them proud... oh that story made me laugh!
I'm so glad to hear you're back in the groove at work too... with new funny workmates!
Posted by: Kathleen | January 10, 2006 at 03:52 PM
Oh no. This post had me seriously laughing out loud like a loon. I love it! Boogers, loopy co-workers...your life is rich, my dear. Rich.
Posted by: giao | January 11, 2006 at 08:37 AM
Hee! Hee! You're definitely going to have great stories to tell the kids when they're kidlets no more. Loved the Miss Loopy bit too!
Posted by: Melissa | January 11, 2006 at 09:16 AM
it's so appropriate that the booger was laid to rest right next to the rubber cement! too funny!
i can't wait to hear more about ms. loopy!!
Posted by: lori (marzipan inc.) | January 11, 2006 at 07:24 PM
funny story!-i'm sure you'll have more to come.
my son will take his sleeve and just wipe across his nose - though one time he actually went to my cousin and instead of giving her a hug, wiped his nose on HER shirt.
(i love my flat iron) - it does wonders!
Posted by: joyce | January 13, 2006 at 07:52 AM
Snot is just so gross, snot stories are even worse LOL! You are really my hero because I would totally freak out!! So wear it proud woman!!!
Posted by: Yvonne | January 13, 2006 at 02:19 PM
UGH! Could have done without the booger story. GoodNESS. But, glad to see your transition back to the office wasn't terrible. Sad to see the Birdie stories are over :( *sniff*
Posted by: erika | January 16, 2006 at 04:23 PM
hahahahahaha!!!!!! (sorry....it's just too damn funny for words!)
Posted by: jes | January 20, 2006 at 05:56 AM
hehe. I think that rubber cement when dried a bit and then balled up LOOKS like boogers, so someone probably bought a jar thinking some got on the outside, but in reality it is a big ole chickadee booger!
That is such a funny story!
Posted by: hope | January 26, 2006 at 05:40 PM