What the Heck is Going On?

Okay, so I'm in the final stretch.  Maternity leave has officially started, and I'm in full-blown nesting mode.  I never knew about the nesting instinct before becoming pregnant.  Heck! There are a lot of things I never knew about pregnancy.  For those of you who are curious, here are my top 10 pregnancy "discoveries!"

1. LOOPINESS, a.k.a.  "The Duh Factor" - Who knew raging hormones would affect my ability to think like a normal adult?  Instead I've become quite the airhead who forgets names, switches sounds in words (i.e. "I'd like the Meatless Peggie Vatty"), and spaces out.  The Duh Factor has even stumped my five year old daughter.  I've seen her cock her eyebrows at me as if to say, "WTF?"

2.  MANE ATTRACTION.  During pregnancy, the estrogen hormone causes hair to remain in the growing phase and stimulate the growth of one's hair.  So my hair has been thicker, fuller, and more luxurious!  Sounds great, right?  Well, yeah.  It's great for now.  But just wait until the Bun is four months or so, and my hair will begin to fall out in excessive amounts.  Google has taught me that there's even a name for this symptom.  It's called:  Telogen Effluvium.  Boy can't wait for that to happen again.

3.  I HEART TUMS.  Again our mischevious friend PROGESTERONE proves naughty by causing bouts of HEARTBURN.  Oh joy!  The feeling of having that falafel sandwich lodged at the base of my throat has never been so fun.  I get to relive my meals over.  And over.  And over again.

4.  BOOBY PRIZE.   Hey gals!  Wanna have bigger boobs?  GET PREGNANT.  Bigger, bustier, bouncier boobs.  In my case, I actually have cleavage right now.  In fact it goes really well with my BIG BELLY.  But in the end, after breastfeeding is over, so is the boob factor.  Boo.

5.  MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH(es) of scars.  Okay so it's a known factor that the belly stretches to accommodate the baby, and as a result, those fun stretch marks appear.  But did you know that your stomach will ITCH like crazy as it's stretching?  Yep, it does.  To add salt to the wounds, you'll get NEW stretch marks with each subsequent pregnancy.  Yes, that's right!  A new batch...in different places!

6. CHOOS NEW SHOES.  Right now my feet feel like Bolillos.  Fat and doughy.  I think I knead a new pair of shoes.  But I'll stray from the Jimmy  variety. I'd rather wear flip flops all day instead of cramming these puppies into anything constricting.  Okay so we all know about swollen feet and such, but ladies did you know that your feet actually "grow" during pregnancy?  My feet are a half size larger since having Alison.  Weird, huh?

7.  BLOODY MARY.  It's common for women to have FIFTY PERCENT MORE BLOOD in her body during pregnancy.  So what does that mean?  An increase in blood is responsible for overheating, bloody noses, bleeding gums, itchy skin (shall I go on?), dizziness, leg cramps.  One good thing about this increase in blood volume is that ROSY glow!!  I guess, my trip to Transyvania has been postponed until further ado.

8.  MAINTAIN YOUR POISE.  Okay, so this is one embarrassing pregnancy side effect.  It's called URINARY INCONTINENCE.   Yep, that's right!  I CAN'T HOLD IN MY PEE.  Cough = pee.  Laughter = pee.  Running = pee.  Bending over to tie shoe = pee.  Doing the splits ** = pee.  I've never daydreamed about wearing my son's diapers more than ever.  Actually, I broke down and purchased some POISE pads.  Life has been dreamy ever since.

9.  IN DUE TIME.  Okay so the gestational periods of various animals may not be well known fact (an elephant's gestational period is 620 days?  Sheesh!).  But it is common knowledge that a human gestational period is nine months, right?  Well, not really.  It's actually TEN MONTHS.  Forty weeks = ten months (if you assume each month to be four weeks).  That puts the human race neck and neck with the dolphin's gestational period of 276 days.  BRING IT ON, Flipper! 

10. FROM HERE TO MATERNITY.  Being pregnant for the third time has made me fall in love with my husband all over again.  My love for him has manifested itself in the very breath and the heartbeat of our children.  I see my sweet husband in the caramel colored curls of Alison's hair, and I see him in the caterpillar green of Henry's eyes.  I hear him through their voices and through their bursts of laughter. 

The memory of having him by my side, holding my hand as I pushed our two babes into this world was a gush of happiness so deep and so magical.  It's a feeling that I'll never forget.  It's the image of him cradling Alison in his arms, kissing her gently on her pink forehead before passing her to me for the first time.  It's the memory of him smiling through tears as Henry came wailing into this world.  It's God's blessing that I get to relive all of this happiness one more time.

** Silly readers, I can't do the splits.

Comments

[Cassi]

I love the illustration and your post just takes it over the top! You are so right on all of it, made me smile and remember!

[Hank]

Hmm... Well, you've certainly got the loopy part right. Allow me to provide a few corrections. First, the Poise pads. What was the quote? "...I broke down and bought some Poise pads." Actually, you broke down and told me to buy you some Poise pads. Apparently you were too embarrassed to buy them yourself, but certainly didn't think twice about sending your husband to get some. Second, while it's nice that you have fond memories of my support during child birth (all of that's true, by the way), I'm more concerned with a certain manufactured memory. During Alison's birth, the Dr. made the mistake of saying, "We're all pushing with you, Leslie!" Since he doesn't live with you, he doesn't have to hear about that -- but I do. Probably fifty times since then...

Thankfully, though, your pregnancy hasn't affected your artistic talent -- you just keep getting better and better.

Love your loopiness,
Hank.

[mipmup]

this is a fantastic (but scary!) post. love the illo.

[kelly]

I <3 this post, its so silly and sweet :)

[thriftgoddess]

I totally understand about the heartburn; that's the worst part.

[ani]

Oy I am so in big trouble if I ever get pregnant. I am already getting somewhat forgetful, already have acid reflux, am klutzy and have big feet. Plus I heard some women lose their hair during pregnancy. My hair is already pretty thin. Geesh. Thank goodness for supportive hubbies and cute babies. :)

[susanne]

bigger feet?! bring it on! maybe then i can buy adult size shoes. bigger boobolas would be awesome if they stayed big :) i love your #10!

[jes]

JUST TOO FUNNY FOR WORDS! (and Hank's comments too!!) LOL

[Kathleen]

Oh, you and Hank are too funny! :D

[violetismycolor]

You're definitely right about the boobs...my usual C cup went up to a D during pregnancy and nursing...the bad news: after having and nursing 3 babies, they shrunk down to a B and that's where they have stayed...

[yvett]

This is too funny, Leslie. I can totally relate to all except for the feet. For some reason, mine stayed the same. Even though I've experienced all this, I still want another baby. Go figure.

[Marilyn]

As always, you are clever AND hilarious...and heartbreakingly touching in the eloquent way you express your love for your family. I can't believe it's time for you to be on maternity leave already! Time's flying! (Okay, I realize, not for YOU...ha!) As for Poise pads, heck, shopping for that kind of stuff is what husbands are for! :)

[myra]

That was hilarious and wonderful!

[joleen]

oh my! you had me with tears in my eyes- from laughter and then the sweet words you wrote about your husband!

[mipmup]

regarding the telogen effluvium: i just found this company that produces shampoos for special conditions, including hair loss. might be worth a shot. i'm going to order some and i'll let you know how it is.

[Giao]

Hmm, great post!! I love the lessons learned and that cutie illo, and #10 made me teary-eyed. Here's to love and being away from work for your new bun and all the time in the world to snuggle your whole family in your cozy nest. Big hugs!

[Melissa]

You are too funny! And sweet too! Your list makes me feel both petrified and anxious for my time to come! It also made me yearn for a sandwich but on a bolillo, it's been years since I had one of them! When I was a kid, my mom was big on making us sandwiches de frijoles molidos on a bolillo - may not sound tempting but they were yummy! Best wishes to you and your bun!

[Yvonne]

I love, love your illo Leslie!

Reading your top 10 doesn't really encourage me to get kids myself. You crack me up!

Hank is such a sweetie and I loved his comment.

[shiz]

I am cracking up SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom has accused me of the urinary stuff, she ended up getting surgery a few years ago, finally (sheesh, I've heard enough of this for the last 27 years!).

Very, very sweet. Both you and your husband. :)

[hope]

Oh what a great post, you are so silly! And great illo too!!

[Lark]

About the boob stuff...I'm sure you'll be blogging in another year or so about the very frightening aftermath of the birthing process. Those are two parts of your body that will never be the same again. At least the belly has some chance for a partial recovery!

[Lark]

By the way, I long for the loopy days. Not to alarm you, but early onset Alzheimer's seems to be a symptom of having 3 children!

[rachel]

It was fun to remember those months! it has been over a year now since I had my baby girl and I already forgot some of that stuff! =) guess that's why most have more than one! good luck on the home stretch!

[Sophia]

What an accurate list - I'm also expecting my third, have a boy and a girl already, and can totally identify with the Things They Don't Tell You. Forgetting to lock the front door, turn off the gas, walking away without waiting for change. Hmm, when do I get my brain back? Hair loss, damp panties, feet like boats. The indignity of it all!
But I too remember having my slippery son handed to me by a wet-eyed giant, and witnessing a kiss on the top of the head of a very tiny new pink person, accompanied by the words "it's a girl, darling".
I guess the latter make the former all worthwhile ... Good luck with the forthcoming birth, and tell Hank he's a lucky guy!

[joy madison]

I had to comment. I have a 5 month old, and 2 other bebes (5 y.o. and a 3 y.o.) and I'm loving this post, and illustration:) I live in Seattle, and had my baby in December. I wore flip flops from Old Navy every day during my pregnancy. I think that there were less than 10 occations where I HAD to wear backless closed toed shoes, but I refused to wear fully closed in shoes. Granted it was a dry winter here in Seattle, but still I'm with you with the flip flops! They are 2 for $5 right now....buy every color!

[laurie]

Aww... that is just the best post ever! I love your Illo and explanation, particularly #10. Too sweet!