5 Types of Teachers

Cassie just got another job at a new school (boooo!), and after she returned from a retreat with her new staff, she called and said, "They are a lot of nice teachers....but there's no Leslie." And that got me thinking. Teachers are interchangeable in a sense. Drive on over to a school across town, and you just may find Mr. White's doppleganger. We've all had teachers, right? Take a look at my list below, and see if you could recognize any of them. *

1. The Newbie
A.K.A. "Eager Beaver"
Common phrase: (While in the teacher's lounge) "Today my students are going to construct an exact replica of an Egyptian tomb....and then we're going to mummify a cornish hen with 5 lb bags of sea salt....." **
Traits: Usually arrives on campus first and leaves last.
Commonly found: In the copy room, xeroxing like it's going out of style

2. The Bully
A.K.A. "Der Fuhrer"
Common phrase: "I'm better, bigger, smarter, stronger, wiser than YOU....ya punk ass!"
Traits: Invests heavily in whistles (for attention getting)
Commonly found: In the hallway, yelling at anyone walking by.
Impact in your life: Uou have zero self-esteem, and you pee in your pants everytime a whistle blows.

3. The Veteran
A.K.A. "Boca Raton...Here I Come!"
Common phrase: "The kids never acted like this thirty five years ago. Oh woe! The world is going to hell in a handbasket!"
Traits: Has had the same hairdo for the past thirty five years. Oh yeah. And sensible shoes too.
Commonly found: In the principal's office.....demanding that things operate like they were back in the day.

4. The Pal
A.K.A. "The Easy A"
Common phrase: "Okay kiddies....today we'll start off with a movie....followed by a CANDY BREAK...and guess what? NO HOMEWORK TODAY! Yay!"
Traits Maintains "Gold Membership" status at Blockbuster Video
Commonly found: Moonlighting at Chuck E. Cheese
Impact on your life: While you didn't learn a damn thing all year, you can easily recite every word to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by memory.

5. The Perfectionist
A.K.A. "Type A"
Common phrases: "Please leave a 1 7/8" margin around the perimeter of your paper...college-ruled only, please." or "Do not by any means crumple up any paper in class....it stresses me out....simply FOLD your paper and PLACE it at the corner of your desk. You may dispose of it on your way out of the room...."
Traits: Maintains a minimalist, barren room with nothing more than boring computer-generated posters
Commonly found: Refolding the towel display at your local Target

* This list was heavily inspired by Matt Groening's cartoon series, "School is Hell." I will be adding to this list soon! Or better yet....why don't you give me suggestions?

** Okay, okay I have to admit. That was actually a lesson that I taught my first year teaching. The hens didn't fare so well after a few weeks in a stuffy, hot classroom. Oh the flies!

Comments

[laura]

Aha! I recognize at least three of those - such classic archetypes, aren't they?

[Charla]

THAT IS SO PERFECTLY TRUE! From my school, I can easily put a name to each of those types of teachers. It is SO funny. I can't wait to read more. (ps. the guy @ my school who is #1 started teaching the year before me. He never forgets to tell me how much more "experienced" he is than I am. We both have secondary english degrees, and one year, after much debate on whether to put in a transfer to a high school he said, "you know, I'm much more content being a big duck in a little pond than a little duck in a big pond." He now has the nickname "big duck" all over the school. Heh)

[Giao]

Hmm, I can only comment from a student's perspective, but we had our fair share of bullies (passive aggressive ones, though, so no whistles, but plenty of poor self esteem), several kooks (kind of share a few traits with the perfectionist...but not quite perfection), and a few homecoming queens, who aimed to ingratiate themselves with the popular students (huh??). Fun list!! I can only imagine the flies (yecccch!)

[tracy]

I loved this. You didn't really mummify hens, did you? YUCK! oxox