Goodnight Daddy

As a little girl, I always enjoyed the evenings, because my dad and I had a goodnight ritual.  Every night after brushing my teeth, my dad would come to my room to tuck me in.  I’d climb into my captain’s loft-style bed, and my dad would tuck the sheets under me tightly, wrapping me up like a burrito.  Most of the time I’d giggle and squirm in attempts to wiggle myself loose, and my dad, of course, would have to repeat the tucking.  He’d always feign annoyance, but I always knew that he, too, was grateful for these few extra seconds of time together.

But the most memorable part of our goodnight ritual was when he’d lift my head, and fan my long hair out upon my pillow.  The coolness of the pillow against the warmth of my skin was always such comforting surprise.  It was my dad’s trademark touch, like icing on a cake or the cherry on top.

Shortly thereafter, he’d kiss me on the forehead, and turn off the light.  From my bedroom, he’d make his way to the den, a room adjacent to mine.  Most of the time, the light from the den would shine into the hallway, and the shadows and noise would keep me entertained on the evenings when I wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep.  I found much comfort in hearing the low strumming of my dad’s guitar or the sounds of Johnny Carson emanating from the t.v. 

This evening ritual stopped sometime before middle school, I’m sure.  By that time I’m certain I was a self-obsessed teenager who, like most kids, was trying to shed herself of her parents.  These years were spent gabbing on the phone with friends, and the distance between my parents and I widened.  Wasn’t that true for most teenagers?  On most nights quick hugs and obligatory kisses were given before retiring for the night.

But still.  No matter how old I got, I always enjoyed listening to my dad’s music spilling into my room at night.  His music was like an evening serenade, smooth and comforting.  Years passed.  College life, dorm life, and finally married life.  And still yet.  Still when the evenings rolled around, I found myself yearning for my dad’s evening serenade.  And oftentimes I longed for our old evening ritual.

One week ago I watched as my dad slipped away.  I held his hand while he passed, and for one last time, we relived our evening ritual.  In his last moments, I tucked the pillow softly under his head, smoothed his hair down, and kissed him on the forehead before he fell into his final slumber. 

Comments

[marzi]

leslie - again, i'm so sorry for the passing of your father. i also wanted to make sure that you received my e-mail since we were having issues earlier. i don't want you to think that i ignored such an important message. you remain in our thoughts and prayers. - lori

[claudia]

Dear Leslie, I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing. A blessing, indeed, to have such a beautiful and loving father and the gift of such wonderful memories! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Te mando un gran abrazo y mucho amor.

[shokufeh]

I'm so sorry. Your father and you and the rest of your family are in my prayers.
It's nice that you had a bit of time to prepare yourself for his passing, and that you are able to see the circle of your actions. But I'm sure you've cried many more tears than I'm crying for you now.

[shiz]

I am sooo sorry to hear about your loss, your post made me cry. So beautifully written.

[yvett]

Aww, Leslie. I'm in tears here reading the sad news but lovely post. I am so sorry for your loss. I have to say, though that you are lucky to have such great memories.

Lo siento, Leslie. De todo corazon.

[joyce]

my thoughts are with you...so sorry for your loss.

[jes]

lovely words to your Dad Les.

I still think Bob and your Dad are toasting us, wishing we wouldn't worry......

love 'ya. xoxoxox

[Kathleen]

What a beautiful memory and wonderfully written, I'm crying with you too. My hearts been totally panging with this sad news. I've been thinking of you.

[Ez]

Oh Leslie... there are just no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. What a wonderful man he must have been. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and deeply personal memory with us all. My thoughts are will you and your family during this painful time.

xox
ez

[dawn]

Leslie, What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man. Your dad was one of a kind. I'm so sorry for your loss & am sending much love your way.

[mo]

What a wonderful thoughtful reminder that it is the little sweet moments we take in a day to show someone how we love them. I am so sorry for your loss. What a proud Dad he must have been to have a daughter who could speak so sweetly about him.

[Juddie]

Leslie,
Your description of your father and the huge implications of such small and gentle actions is very touching. I wish you every happiness in remembering such moments and treasuring the sweeter side of life....

[Ani]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Aylin]

Your words brought tears to my eyes. In Turkish we say, 'basin sagolsun' - which means, I recognize your loss and grieve with you.

[christine]

I'm sorry for your loss but appreciate the beautiful words you wrote about your father. My thoughts are with you and your family. xo

[Moonfairy]

I`m so sorry for your loss.
I got tears in my eyes from your beautiful story, what a great memory to have.
Many warm thoughts from Norway.

[Marilyn]

Oh, Leslie, I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful, loving tribute to your Dad.

[erika]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Your words flowed beautifully and there's no way your dad could not have known how much you love him.

Hugs. Many many hugs.

[Nanette]

Leslie, I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. That was a very touching tribute to him and I'm thankful that you were there to share those last moments withhim. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

[Alicia A.]

This is just beautiful.

[Belinda Lee]

What a beautiful goodbye. So sorry for your loss Leslie.

[mipmup]

these visceral, beautiful memories will hold you up during this difficult time. my thoughts are with you.

[Rachel]

He looks so dashing and handsome in those pictures, and your tribute was so moving and sweet. I'm thinking of all of you.

[jen]

Leslie -
I didn't even know you had a blog and I was fishing around on flickr and found this. I am so sorry about your lost...then I saw the letter you had written about him when you were 7 or 8. Gosh my heart goes out to you and your family. Hopefully your heart is healing.
xo - Jen

[Anne Marie]

What a strong post and what a beautiful memory. I am so sorry for your loss.