Teachers Say the Darndest Things

As in every field, I'm sure there are acronyms and lingo specific to that career. Cops and doctors have their own lingo. Lawyers do too. In some sense you need a little background knowledge to decipher what someone might be saying. Teachers have their colloquialisms too, but sometimes we teachers teeter on the edge of CHEEZ-E. In case you'd like to sneak into the nearest teachers' lounge, here's a list of the most compelling catch phrases or "buzz words" that today's SoCal teachers are using.

1. "PIGGYBACK": This official sounding word is quite often used in faculty meetings and teacher conferences. Whenever you would like to add a thought to a previous stated idea, you use this word. Use it and earn major brownie points with your comatose staff because it shows: 1.) that you're listening and following along, AND 2.) it validates your colleague's idea. (Because, you know, Mr. G has such cutting edge ideas.)
Example: "I would like to 'piggyback' (flash quotation marks with your fingers) on what Sarah said about recycling egg cartons......."

2. "SPRINGBOARD": Another dorky term. Let's say a teacher wants to teach a lesson on The Egyptians; she'll show off by using this word because it shows she used forethought in her lesson planning.
Example: Said teacher might say the following, "As a springboard activity to the ancient Egyptians, I'm going to bring in my mummified cat......"

3. "KNUCKLEHEAD": Teachers are so succinct and to the point sometimes. This word is synonymous with "GEL HEAD" or "WATER FOR BRAINS."
Example:"So I was in third period (sigh), and Keith (roll eyes) decides to sharpen his pencil in the MIDDLE OF CLASS....WHILE I WAS TEACHING.....he's such a 'knucklehead!'"

And if this teacher lingo has got you gagging, try reading about the "strategies" we use in class to quiet our kids. You know, kids aren't supposed to be yelled at, tied down or taped down to their seats. You know, kids are people too, and we're supposed to employ the following peaceful strategies. They're based on psychological studies, and stuff.

1. STRATEGY #1: Flicking the classroom lights on and off.
Whenever your class is getting rowdy or hopped up, simply walk over to the light switch and quickly flick the lights on and off. LIKE REAL FAST. This low-stress strategy will get your kids' attention lightning fast, and soon enough, they'll be sitting at their desks with their hands folded, prayer style.
Insider Viewpoint This is the dumbest strategy. EVER. Your students will think you're a FREAK.

2. STRATEGY #2: Making the "shhhh" sign with one hand while raising the other hand high. When you'd like to get your students' attention, simply make a "shhhh" sign w/ your index finger, and raise your other hand high in the air. The first student who sees you doing this must mimic your actions....then the second student follows suit....and so on and so on. Before you know it, all kids are copying you, and best of all, they're quiet (because the universal "shhh" sign is so effective)!
Insider's Viewpoint: Um, after the kids are all quiet, encourage them to start waving their raised hands while singing Kumbaya. Try it, you'll like it!

3. STRATEGY #3: Using peer pressure to get others to do what you want.
Let's say your students are gabbing away incessantly. That is all students except María. Use María as an example of the behavior you're trying to elicit. You might say something like, "Oh, I really like how María is reading quietly....she is doing such a great job......" And because all kids go ga ga over praise, they're going to copy María by reading quietly.
Insider's Viewpoint: Most kids will respond with, "Who the f*ck cares what María's doing!" or "She's a 'SKOOL GURL' (again w/ the flashing finger quotations)....who wants to be like that?" María will be shunned for the rest of the school year, but that's O-K because your class is finally quiet and focused.

As a closure to all this fun, I'd like to leave you with a bit o' enjoyment from my last "in-service" (teacher talk for BORING MEETING). I'm a mentor teacher, and I'm currently going through training on how to be Approachable and Warm ™ to my new teachers. On Friday I received a laminated, two-sided Memory Mat to use for future conversations with newbies. Here's a little bit of the Memory Mat's golden knowledge here and here. Feel free to give me any translations as this teacher talk has got me all confused.

And before I go, do take a peek at my updated linklicious page. I know this page needs work as some links were broken and missing. I think I may have fixed them.

Comments

[alexis]

I'm totally cracking up over here. Your post just described every teacher I ever had! You forgot the "smack you hand on the chalkboard" tactic. My sixth grade teacher used to do that ALL the time. Scared the crap out of me!

[thesoulofhope]

This post is great, brought a well needed smile to my face!

[Hank]

I think this post hit a little too close to home for me... Have you been observing my classroom recently?

[jes]

hahahaha....all I could do was compare these similar phrases and tactics to my customers at the bar. "knuckle head" comes up often! And flicking the lights can often be used to calm a drunken crowd! If I used "piggtback", someone would get the wrong idea....

[Rubber-Sol]

Jes! You cracked me up! Yes, I imagine that "piggyback" could be construed in various forms (most of them X-rated!)

[Katie]

As a Maria equivalent, I can assure you that Strategy #3 spells social death. Of course, not quite as bad as the teacher telling the class to go to Maria when they get stuck on Chemistry problems (which also happened to me), but nearly as bad.

[Giao]

Oh my, you've described most of my school days to a tee. Except, we had a few crazies for teachers (3rd grade, 7th grade) that actually scared the bejeezus out of us all to the point where we never misbehaved...

Those phrases above are a very active part of the coporate giant world too. Always fun to count them and the folks who use them in meetings...sometimes, they replace actual meeting content!

[Rubber-Sol]

Giao-
So relieved to know that the teaching world isn't the only place where wacky terms are used.

And if you and I ever worked together, we could play so many fun games. We actually make bets before meetings (yes, money is involved) to see who says "piggyback" the most. It passes time much quicker, and elicits many a giggle!!! Actually a teacher (I'll refer to her as Ms. Malaproprism), tends to get things mixed up a bit....."I'd like to piggybank....."

[tammy]

wait.. what about the "drop a big heavy book very suddenly and scare the crap out of everybody to get them to shut up" tactic?

or did i just have some really sadistic teachers?

[Jenny]

I loved this. So funny, and sad, and true.

[Candi]

OMG!! I was laughing out loud by the time I got the the flickering of the lights off and on!! Andrew's Kindergarten teacher did all 4 of the strategies that you listed. That is amazing, I never thought of it as though they actually "teach" you this stuff! ha!

[Hank]

Hey, what about this? It's not what teachers say, exactly, but it's something I hate nonetheless. "Caught you doing something good!" Usually teachers are catching students doing something wrong and punishing them, so wouldn't it be funny (wink, wink) if we gave out little reward certificates when a student was JUST BEING GOOD?? It's just do damn cute! Turning in homework on time? Caught you doing something good! Cleaning up trash from the floor? Caught you doing something good!

The whole thing turns my stomach.